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The Doubt Monster

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By now, we’re friends right? That is, unless you literally just found my blog, in which case, let’s be friends! Ok, now that that’s out of the way… Did you ever have one of those days, you know the kind I mean… Where nothing is going right, and everything’s a mess? The kids destroyed the house, your husband is blaming everything on you and you’re fairly certain the cat just peed on your couch – again!

This won’t be one that ranks high in SEO or readability scores. It won’t even be one that I’m going to edit to make perfect. It’s going to be raw, and real, and completely transparently out there.

I’m struggling. Big time. No, big BIG time. I’m fighting the monster that is self-doubt, and it’s rearing it’s terribly ugly head ever so much now that I’ve decided to take that step. I’ve decided it’s time to TRY. Just try. Imagine the possibilities. Imagine my dreams actually coming true. My husband doesn’t have to work a physically demanding job that leaves him drained in both body and spirit many days. Imagine us buying that school bus and fixing it up together, making it our home away from home, and taking vacations together. Exploring the US and enjoying life. Giving to our church, more than that 10%, because that’s the floor not the ceiling. Imagine the possibilities. Pay off our mortgage and sell this house, buy some land, somewhere close so we can still see family, but have our own little spot. Help our parents like they’ve helped us all these years.

Well, I have been imagining these things. I’m trying to visualize this. This can happen. Right? I mean, why can’t it? Instead of saying What if this doesn’t work out, I am choosing to say What if this DOES work out? It’s so hard to take ourselves out of our head, and out of our current situation, and see what could be. It’s nearly impossible to envision a life like that. A life where finances aren’t an obstacle, we can actually take a vacation as a family and not worry about pinching pennies grocery shopping. And you know what makes it even more seemingly impossible? That doubt. It’s always been there, whispering that this will never work, I don’t have what it takes. But it’s screaming now. It’s screaming right in my face, and pushing me down, holding me down. I’m struggling to get up and press forward. I’m really fighting this because I know what I want, and I know that anything is possible.

Part of me thinks that the doubt is holding me down because I’m meant to do this, and the enemy of my soul does not want to see this succeed. Why would it be easy if it’s worth it? Why would it be worth it if it was easy? Everyone would be doing it, and succeeding. It’s NOT going to be easy. It’s going to be really freaking hard. But I have to make this work. I’ve let myself down too many times in the past with failed ventures. I’ve accepted that my dream may never come true for too long. No, that’s not right. My dream will come true, but not on it’s own, I have to make it. I will never find the time, I have to make it. Motivation will never fall on my lap, I have to make it. My dream isn’t going to become a reality by me sitting here doubting myself, I have to make it. And that’s what I intend to do.

People are going to be skeptical no matter what we decide to do, that’s just human nature. Even more so with something that’s not tangible, something they cannot see, something they’ve never experienced. Blogging is so new if you think about it. So foreign. Blogging sounds like the noise you make when you have the stomach bug and your dinner comes back up. Once it’s explained to them and get “get it” they still don’t usually get it. I find that complete strangers are typically more understanding than those closest to us.

My husband doesn’t believe that I can make this into a full time business. He thinks it’s just another one of my crazy ideas. That, after I waste a lot of my time on it, it’ll soon be forgotten. You can find just as many people blogging/vlogging about how it’s almost impossible to make this into a legit business. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, I’m saying it’s going to be rough, but I need to see this through. I’m going to sees this through, darnit. /rant

Yes, I was having a rough day when I wrote this post. It’s raw, real, and I’m not going to change it in any way. I think it needs to be said. It needs to be read. Sometimes we get so into our head that we can’t just let go of these captive thoughts and TAKE ACTION… Action is the only thing that will propel us forward towards our dreams and goals. Sitting there complaining, moping around and giving up won’t do it.

[2018]

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